


Jurassic Park Matter

by platonic_boner



Category: Dark Matter (TV)
Genre: Crew as Family, Dinosaurs!, Fluff, Gen, Heist, Post-Season/Series 03, Raza Crew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 18:35:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14478711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platonic_boner/pseuds/platonic_boner
Summary: In which the words, "Look, when we’re done, I promise you we’ll pull a heist," come back to haunt Two.





	Jurassic Park Matter

They save the galaxy.

How they do it isn’t important here. What’s important is that the war is over, the aliens are gone, and the crew of the Raza all made it through. Android’s running the ship, Two’s showering (saving galaxies is dirty work), Six is in the mess trying to make Three pick up all the bullets he’s left scattered around the ship (it’s never going to happen), and Five’s searching the pantry for anything edible (saving the galaxy has been trumping grocery shopping for awhile).

“What do we think this is?” Five asks, emerging from the pantry with a sealed jar of something dark purple.

“Beans?"

“Blueberries?”

“Hasn’t that been in there since before we woke up from stasis?” Six asks.

“Maybe,” Five says. “But it’s this or the instant rice pudding, and I _know_ the rice pudding is disgusting. This will be a surprise.”

“We _just_ finished saving the galaxy, kid,” Three says. “Don’t commit suicide by purple goop now.”

Two appears in the doorway. “Three’s right, don’t eat the goop. The Android's setting us on course for a supply run right now. If you can wait an hour, you can have real food at the station.”

“And then what?” Six asks. “What’s next for us?”

“Well,” Two starts.

Three clears his throat.

“I was thinking,” Two continues.

Three clears his throat even louder.

Two turns to him. “Do you have something to say?”

“Yup,” Three says. “I have a promise to hold you to.”

Two sighs. “And what’s that?”

“You said we’d pull a heist,” he says. “And I get to pick. Your exact words: 'Bank job, jewels, whatever, but first, we save the galaxy.' Well, we just saved the galaxy.”

“I _did_ say that, didn’t I?” Two asks, sounding vaguely horrified.

Three grins.

Two looks at the rest of them. Six shakes his head, but he’s smiling slightly; he knows a heist is one of the least offensive things Three could get up to. Five looks delighted - Three’s been a terrible influence on her.

“All right, fine,” Two says. “Bank job or jewels?”

“Neither,” Three says. “I’m going with option C: ‘whatever’.”

There's silence as Three looks expectantly at them all, waiting for someone to ask the obvious question. Two can’t quite contain her smirk when nobody gives him the satisfaction.

“We’re going to steal a dinosaur!” Three crows anyways.

Two groans. It’s worse than she thought.

“What do you want a bunch of fossils for?” Six asks.

“Not fossils,” Five says excitedly. “You mean the Dominion Zoo’s new exhibit, right? The one where they’re cloning dinosaurs?”

Three points at her. “Exactly.”

Two shakes her head. “We don’t have the money or the influence to even _visit_ the Dominion Zoo. And we don’t have anywhere to put a bunch of _dinosaurs_ after we’ve stolen them, either.”

“Not _yet_ , we don’t,” Three agrees. “That’s why this is a multi-stage heist.”

He absolutely beams at her, and Five’s practically bouncing with excitement, and Two is torn between exasperation and overwhelming fondness.

“ _Fine_ ,” she says. “What’s the plan?”

 

**_Stage 1: Money_ **

“Did it ever occur to you that your entire plan would be ruined if I couldn’t hack the Treasury database?” Five asks. “Follow-up question: do you know how hard it is to hack the Treasury database?”

They landed at a station five hours ago, and Five’s been in the station’s library since then, using an outdated computer to try to gain access to a very well-guarded database. Three’s just here to bring her snacks and provide emergency extraction if they’re recognized or her hacking attempts are noticed.

Three leans back in his chair, munching on some of Five’s brightly coloured candy. “I believe in you.”

Five grins. “As you should.”

“Does that mean you’re in?” Three jolts upright, leaning forward to look at the screen.

“Yeah,” Five says. She frowns briefly at him, having just noticed he stole her candy, but brightens and takes a handful when he offers her the bag. With her free hand, she hits a few keys, and a huge schedule pops up on the screen. “This is the schedule for the currency deliveries over the next two weeks,” she says. She clicks on one of them, and it pops up with a map. “All with the flight plans attached.”

“Perfect,” Three says.

Five types something, and a downloading progress bar shows up on the screen.

As he watches it, it occurs to Three to ask, “Hey, theoretically, could we get the schedule for farther into the future?”

Five snorts. “No, and even if we could, do you really think Two’s ever going to let you plan another heist?”

“My plan is _amazing_.”

“The polar bear is completely unnecessary.”

“ _You’re_ completely unnecessary.”

Five raises her eyebrows at him as she takes her memory chip out of the library computer and pointedly holds it close.

Three sighs. “You’re totally essential and the heist would fail miserably without your genius.”

Five smirks and hands over the chip.

*

Robbing one of the ships transporting newly minted credit bars around the galaxy is shamelessly simple. The transport ships rely on stealth and unpredictable schedules, not superior armaments, so armed with Five’s downloaded schedule, the Raza has everything they need to find and loot a ship.

“This is the Raza,” Three gets to say, after they’ve taken out the transport ship’s FTL drive and shields, and fired a few warning shots across its bow. 

Two rolls her eyes.

“Power down and let us board, or we’ll destroy your ship.”

Three closes the channel to the ship and looks up at Android. “Are they doing it?”

“No. They are opening airlock doors,” Android reports.

Ah, shit.

Two pushes Three out of the way and re-opens the channel. “Maybe you didn’t hear us the first time. This is the Raza. I’m sure your protocols say to space your cargo rather than let it be stolen, but whoever wrote those protocols didn’t have to deal with us in a bad mood. Close your airlocks, and you won’t have to either.”

“Airlock doors are closing. Transport ship powering down.”

“You’re welcome,” Two says.

“ _I_ wanted to do the talking,” Three whines.

“You were bad at it,” Two says.

“I said exactly what you always say!”

“Yeah, but somehow you didn’t sound quite as badass,” Six says. 

Three wants to protest that, but given that nobody listened until Two gave the orders, there’s clearly something in it. He settles for scowling at Six. “Whatever. Are we robbing this thing or not?”

*

“That’s a _lot_ of money,” Five says, half an hour later, staring wide-eyed into the back section of the Marauder, which is stuffed full with cases upon cases of bars.

“We could just stop here,” Two tells Three. “You’ve had your fun.”

“I’ve barely _started_ having fun yet,” Three says. “I’m not done until I take a selfie with you and a little baby triceratops.”

“That’s not happening.”

“You promised.”

“I promised a _heist_ , not selfies,” Two says. “And we’ve just pulled a heist.”

“Yeah, but this doesn’t count, because -” Three gives a deep, mournful sigh “- we’re gonna give all of this pretty money away.”

“It’s going to do a lot of good,” Six says. “More good than stealing dinosaurs will do anyone.”

“The polar bear would disagree with you there,” Three says. He gives the money a last, longing look, then turns away. “Get it out of here before I change my mind,” he orders Six.

 

**_Stage 2: People_ **

Three and Six arrange the donation to a foundation for war orphans. A few days later, they receive a thank you card, along with an invitation to a ball that’s basically a trap to get wealthy philanthropists to give more money.

When he says “they”, Three means the invented couple who donated the stolen money, a Mrs. and Mrs. Smith.

Two picks up the card and frowns. “Someone made a typo. The invitation is for two women.”

“Oh, no,” Three says, very insincerely.

Two crosses her arms. “Five’s a kid, and Android’s decided not to use her chip. I thought _we_ were going together.” 

Three beams at her. “I decided a formal ball definitely wasn’t my kind of thing… so I found a cute girl to escort you.”

“ _Who._ ”

“Solara.”

Two glares. “You’re being ridiculous, and I’m not doing it.”

“You promised.”

“Stop _saying_ that,” Two orders. “I said you could have a heist, not blatantly try to set me up!”

“I know,” Three says. “I’m throwing this in as a bonus. You’re welcome!”

*

Three and Six take the Marauder down to pick Solara and Adrian up from a little station near the edge of the galaxy.

“How did Three convince you to join in on this ridiculous heist?” Six asks her, on the way back up to the Raza. “I thought you had more sense than that.”

“I do,” Solara grumbled. “It’s blackmail. He threatened to give Adrian a dinosaur if I didn’t help.”

“I still think I could handle a little dinosaur!” Adrian says. “Or maybe two, so they each have a friend. I had a pet hedgehog when I was a kid, how much harder could a couple dinosaurs be?”

Solara looks pointedly at Six.

“I get it,” Six tells her. “Good call.”

*

Three’s such a benevolent evil mastermind, he reflects as he watches Two and Solara practice waltzing together.

“Two looks happy,” Android comments as she passes by.

“I _know_ , right?” Three says.

*

Three checks on Five before heading down to the surface for the ball. She’s in the cargo bay with the Transfer Transit pods, with her goggles on and her turquoise hair a mess, but she snorts when she sees _him_.

“Nice outfit.”

“I’m a chauffeur,” Three says. “This is the uniform.”

“No,” Five says. “That’s what Two - who kinda wants to get back at you right now - _told_ you what the uniform is.”

That… is completely true. Shit.

Five laughs at him. 

“Whatever,” Three says, tugging at the hem of the weird vest Two gave him. “Dinosaurs are worth it. So - you gonna have those ready for us?”

“You remember when I told you how hard it was to hack the Treasury database?” Five says. “This is like, a hundred times harder.”

“So that’s a ‘yes, easily’?” Three asks.

“No, that’s a ‘your plan is terrible, and you should’ve asked me if this was possible before making a plan that relied on it’!” Five says.

Three waits.

“I’ll _probably_ be done by the time you get back,” Five says.

“Atta girl,” Three says.

“You look really stupid!” Five yells after him as he leaves.

*

Two and Solara look like they’re having a great time dancing with each other. They appear to have even more fun accosting, knocking out, and kidnapping the zoo’s CEO.

Meanwhile, Three happens upon their other target when she steps outside for some air.

“Do I know you?” she asks, squinting at him.

“Hmm,” Three says. “You’re a zoologist, right? With dinosaurs.”

“Yes,” she says. She looks up at Three a moment longer, then shakes her head. “I’m sorry, I can’t quite place you.”

“You probably recognize me from the news,” Three says. He sticks out his hand. “Marcus.”

“Laura,” she says, shaking his hand. The moment when she identifies him is obvious; she goes quite pale.

“I’m not planning to cause trouble,” Three reassures her.

Laura narrows her eyes at him. “So Marcus Boone is just at a charity ball out of the goodness of his heart?”

“Precisely,” Three says. “But if I _were_ planning to cause trouble... what’re your opinions on animal rights? Specifically, on the rights of dinosaurs to be wild and free?”

In the end, Three talks Laura into coming peacefully, because it turns out she loves all animals and so she supports dinosaur liberation almost as much as Three does.

 

**_Stage 3: Dinosaurs (and a polar bear)_ **

As Android sets a course for the zoo, the crew and their kidnap victims all head down to the cargo bay on the Raza, Six transporting the still-unconscious CEO.

“Okay,” Five says, pushing her goggles up onto the top of her head. “I need our ‘borrowed’ zoologist to get into the pod on the left, and Two to get in the pod on the right.”

Their borrowed zoologist raises a hand. “I have questions.”

“Sure,” Five says.

“Where am I going?”

“Nowhere,” Five says. “I’ve modified the function of the pods. We’re not sending you anywhere - we’re creating a clone of you that has someone else’s consciousness.”

“Have you tested this?”

“Not exactly,” Five says. “... Not at all. I would have, but everyone except Android and Adrian was off the ship, and it wouldn’t work on an android, and Adrian’s still hiding.”

“That’s not very reassuring.”

“The pod you’re in really won’t be doing anything different than what it’s designed for,” Five says. “All I need is to get your DNA and a physical scan so we can replicate your body. That’s exactly what normally happens. The clone body won’t have your consciousness, so even if something does go wrong with it, you won’t be the one to experience it.”

“So you’re saying if something goes wrong, it’ll be Two that gets hurt?” Three asks, frowning.

“Hey, this was your idea!” Five says. “And, no, technically it’ll be Two’s clone. Well, Laura’s clone, but with Two’s copied consciousness. But, it’s just a clone. Hopefully, the worst case scenario is the clone being deformed or in pain, and then we can just kill it and Two won’t even remember it. Like when we first stole the blink drive.”

“Hopefully?” Two repeats.

“Wait, _what_?” Three demands. “You said you didn’t know how my clone died that time!”

“In retrospect, it was probably the bullet I put in your skull,” Five says.

“ _Hopefully_?” Two says again.

“I’m still a little hesitant about putting _you_ in a Transfer Transit pod,” Five explains. “Other than that, this should work fine.”

“My consciousness isn’t different than anyone else’s,” Two says.

“As long as that’s true, you’ll be fine,” Five says. “Everybody ready?”

Laura and Two climb into the pods. Five shuts the lids on them, then programs in some codes. The formerly unoccupied center pod lights up and then slowly hisses open to reveal a clone of Laura.

“Did it work?” Five asks.

“Yeah, it’s me. Two,” the clone says.

“How do you feel?” Five asks quickly, as Six steps forward to help the clone up.

“Very odd,” Two says. Five frowns, and Two quickly reassures her, “Fine, just strange.”

Two holds her new hands out in front of her and examines them, clenching and unclenching her fists, and takes a few careful steps. “This’ll work,” she says.

“Great,” Five says. “Now we’re doing it again with Three and the CEO.”

“Do we need to wake him up first?” Six asks.

“No, unconscious is fine,” Five says.

Three comes out as a balding, unfit white man who’s now shorter than Two’s tall, blonde scientist. They get ready for transport down to the zoo.

*

The problem with taking a couple of years to plan a heist is that Three’s worked out all of the kinks, meaning the heist itself is almost boring. He and Two, as “CEO” and “scientist”, have all the qualifications needed to commandeer the zoo’s enormous transport ships and have the zoo employees fill it with dinosaurs for them. Since their zoologist is in charge of the dinosaurs, she doesn’t technically have the authority to have the polar bear freed, but the dinosaur transfer takes so much manpower that nobody’s around to notice Three slipping away to bribe the polar bear into a cage in the back of the Marauder.

She doesn’t appreciate mealworm “meat” and nearly mauls him, but the important part is “nearly”.

Once the transport is packed, they lock their human kidnap victims up in an empty cage so they won’t get the blame for the heist - Laura seems like a nice person, after all - and then take the Marauder and dino-filled transport up to space where the Raza is waiting for them.

*

“You really wanna be the only one missing from our family portrait with a triceratops?” Three demands, and Two sighs and gets into the picture between Android and Five.

*

The next piece of Three’s heist is dropping the polar bear off on a snowy, cold planet. There are no human inhabitants, but plenty of fish and seal-like creatures.

“I still don’t understand why we took the bear,” Six says, as the polar bear rolls delightedly around in the snow.

“She looks so happy,” Five says. “Do you think she’s ever seen snow before?”

“Probably not,” Three says, grinning as he watches the bear delightedly discover what _cold_ feels like.

Three’s _such_ a benevolent evil mastermind.

*

“What now?” Two asks, when they return to the Raza.

“That’s it,” Three says. “I’m done.”

“You’re done,” Two repeats.

“Yup.”

“What,” Two says, dangerously, “About the _enormous transport ship_ filled with _dinosaurs_ that we’re towing?”

Three shrugs. “I just wanted to _steal_ the dinosaurs, not _do_ something with them.”

“You are a _literal child_ ,” Two mutters under her breath.

Adrian clears his throat. “You know, this is kind of my area,” he says.

Everyone looks at Solara.

“We haven’t sold dinosaurs before, but we _do_ fence a lot of stolen goods,” she says. “We take a twenty percent cut.”

“How about a thirty percent cut, and you make sure they go to nice homes?” Five says.

“Oh, I would’ve done that anyways-”

Solara stomps on Adrian’s foot.

“I was just being honest!” he says, whimpering and hopping on one foot.

“Fine,” Solara says. “Twenty-five percent - because we’re friends.”

Two and Solara shake on it.

“We’ll see you again soon,” Solara says, still holding Two’s hand.

Three’s heist was _so successful_.


End file.
